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Unsolicited Dick Pics, Eyeball Assaults, and Why I’m Now Charging a Trauma Fee

There’s something truly magical about waking up, sipping your morning tea, opening your inbox — and being visually assaulted by a complete stranger’s meat flute.

Another day, another unsolicited dick pic.
I didn’t ask. I didn’t consent. I didn’t even hint at wanting to see it.
And yet… there it was. Just hanging out. Uninvited. Unwelcome. Unwashed-looking.

Let me be crystal clear — and I speak for most women here:

No one has ever, in the history of modern technology, been wooed by an unsolicited cock shot.
Not a single person has clutched their pearls in delight and gone,
“Oh my god, yes. A pixelated peen from a stranger — finally, my soulmate.”

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The Flasher Has Gone Digital

Back in the day, if a bloke got his bits out in public, he’d be chased off by police or rugby tackled by a retired nana with a handbag.

Now? He’s behind a keyboard, sending out unsolicited nudes like he’s on some sort of genital PR tour.
And worse — some of them genuinely believe this is flirting.

Like babes, I don’t know who lied to you — but a surprise penis is not a love letter. It’s a threat wrapped in pixels.

Sending me a dick pic is not an introduction — it’s a red flag with a pulse. It’s your dating CV soaked in delusion.

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Introducing: The Dick Pic Invoice

Since this seems to be the new normal, I’ve decided to adapt.
But not by tolerating it — by monetising the trauma.

You want to flash me through Messenger? Fine.
Here’s your bill:

ServicePrice

• Emotional Damage Fee £250
• Eyeball Bleach (industrial grade) £14.99
• Emergency Therapy Session £75/hr
• Digital Contamination Cleanup £49.99
• Public Roast Prep (limited time) FREE (but savage)
• Spiritual Cleanse & Energy Reset £33.33

TOTAL £423.31

Invoices are sent by divine law and spiritual fury. Payment due immediately.
Late fees include being the main character in a viral takedown post.

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Why This Is Actually Serious (Under the Jokes)

Let’s drop the sarcasm for a second — because this isn’t just banter. It’s not harmless, it’s not “just a bit of fun,” and it’s definitely not okay.

Sending unsolicited sexual images is harassment.
Full stop.
It’s degrading. It’s intrusive. It’s a digital violation of space and self.

And the frequency of it? Alarming.

Women don’t talk about it as much anymore because it’s become so normalised, it’s just another Tuesday.
But let’s be honest — that normalisation? That silence? That’s how abuse wins.

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I’m Not Staying Quiet

I’m done pretending it’s just annoying.
It’s disgusting. And I’m calling it out — publicly, loudly, and with enough sarcasm to rupture fragile egos across the UK.

If you send me a dick pic and I didn’t ask for it?
You’re not sexy. You’re not brave. You’re a digital flasher in need of a reality check — and possibly therapy.

And no, you don’t get anonymity. You get my rage and a custom-built invoice. Consider this your one-time warning before you’re immortalised in a blog post titled “Why Your Cock Made Me Cringe So Hard I Pulled a Muscle.”

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TO THE WOMEN READING THIS

You’re not alone.
You’re not overreacting.
You’re not being dramatic.

Your inbox is your space. Not a dropbox for desperate men’s genitals.
You have every right to report, block, rant, roast — or bill the bastard.
Do whatever feels right.

And if you have received unsolicited pics?
You’re part of a very tired, very pissed-off club.
Pull up a chair. We’re making memes and printing invoices.

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TO THE SENDERS

I don’t know what you think you’re doing.
But it’s not impressive.
It’s not bold.
And it’s definitely not something that’ll get you laid.

You are not Casanova.
You are not God’s gift.
You are a walking cautionary tale with Wi-Fi.

Put it away. Zip it up. And get therapy.

Because the next image that shows up uninvited?
I’m saving it, skewering it, and framing it as the moment masculinity lost the plot.

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CALL TO ACTION!

Have you been flashed online?
Tell your story. Post your invoice.
Let’s make this a movement — because I’m done tiptoeing around digital dickheads.

And lads — unless we ask, don’t send.
Because from now on, every unsolicited pic is getting taxed, roasted, and turned into content.

You send it, I bill it.
Welcome to the age of Consequence.

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