©️ Written By – Sophie Lewis
“Those Girls Go Looking for It”
That’s what someone said to me recently. Casually. As if it were just a passing fact.
But those six words are everything that’s wrong with how society views abuse.
Let’s be real: no child — no one — seeks out manipulation, sexualisation, or harm. But somehow, when it comes to young girls, people still lean on this tired, lazy narrative. As if the responsibility for abuse lies not with the adult who groomed, coerced, or violated them — but with the child who was “asking for it.”
This isn’t just ignorance. It’s dangerous. And it needs to be called out.
Because when we say “those girls go looking for it,” what we’re really saying is:
They deserved it.
They brought it on themselves.
It’s not the abuser’s fault.
Let’s flip that.
Where That Belief Comes From — And Why It’s Wrong
The idea that “girls go looking for it” doesn’t come from nowhere. It’s passed down — through cultural conditioning, outdated gender roles, and a society that teaches girls to be desirable, then punishes them for being noticed.
It shows up in the way we police girls’ clothes more than boys’ behaviour.
In how we ask “Why didn’t she speak up?” instead of “Why did they target her?”
In courtrooms. In classrooms. In everyday conversation.
It’s easier for people to believe a child brought it on themselves than to accept that adults — family members, teachers, neighbours, strangers — could be capable of such betrayal. Denial feels safer than truth.
But denial keeps the cycle going.
Because here’s the reality: no matter how a young girl acts, speaks, or dresses — an adult always has the responsibility to know better. To do better. To not cross the line.
Saying she “went looking for it” isn’t just wrong. It’s cruel.
It silences her pain and protects the person who caused it.
What Girls Are Actually Looking For
When we take the time to really understand, it becomes clear:
Girls aren’t looking for abuse.
They’re looking for something that feels missing.
For love.
For connection.
For a way out of a chaotic home, a violent relationship, or a life that feels too heavy too soon.
Some are escaping neglect. Others, emotional abandonment. Some just want someone to see them, hear them, care.
And predators know this.
They don’t lure with force — they lure with attention. Compliments. Secrets. Comfort. They fill the gaps left by others, then twist that bond into control.
What might look from the outside like a “choice” is, in reality, the result of unmet needs and deep vulnerability. No child has the full understanding or power to consent to something they don’t even realise is happening.
So no — they’re not “looking for it.”
They’re looking to feel okay.
And that should never be used against them.
Predators Don’t Accidentally Find Victims
Let’s stop pretending predators stumble into these situations. They don’t.
They seek out the vulnerable.
They groom with intent.
They study their victims, gain their trust, and isolate them — slowly and strategically.
By the time anything physical happens, the emotional grip is already strong. Victims might even believe they’re in love. Or that they chose it. That’s what makes grooming so sinister — it’s abuse wrapped in confusion and manipulation.
And the truth is, what these girls are looking for?
Predators are already watching.
They don’t choose randomly.
They choose carefully.
And every time we blame the victim instead of looking at how abusers operate, we make it easier for them to do it again.
The Cost of Blame — What Survivors Carry
The damage doesn’t end when the abuse stops. For many, the blame follows them long after the predator disappears. And what makes it worse? It’s often not just the abuser’s voice they carry — it’s everyone else’s too.
Here’s what survivors have said:
“People kept asking why I went back. Why I didn’t run. But no one asked why he chose me in the first place.”
“They said I was fast. Said I must’ve wanted it. I was 14. I just wanted someone to care.”
“The hardest part wasn’t what he did to me. It was what everyone else thought about me after.”
“I was groomed, abused, manipulated — and then shamed for it like I was the one who ruined everything.”
These are not rare stories. These are common.
According to the NSPCC, one in twenty children in the UK has been sexually abused. Most don’t tell anyone. Many never do.
Why? Because they hear these phrases in their homes, in schools, on social media:
“She led him on.”
“She’s always been mature for her age.”
“She went back, so it couldn’t have been that bad.”
This language reinforces the silence.
And silence protects predators.
When society labels victims as complicit in their own abuse, it doesn’t just hurt — it isolates. It adds shame on top of trauma. And for some, that weight becomes too heavy to carry.
This is why the narrative has to change.
Changing the Narrative — What Needs to Shift
It starts with how we talk.
Stop saying “she was asking for it.”
Start asking, “Why did he think he could get away with it?”
Stop focusing on what she wore.
Start asking where the adults were who should have been protecting her.
We need to shift blame from children to the adults who failed them.
To hold space for survivors instead of shaming them.
To listen without judgement.
To teach our kids what grooming looks like, so they can recognise it early.
And most of all — to believe them when they speak.
This Is Bigger Than One Girl
This article is part of The Grooming Files — a space to expose the silence, challenge the systems, and centre survivor voices.
Because the truth is: those girls could be anyone’s daughter, sister, cousin, friend.
And blaming them for what happened isn’t just unfair — it’s unsafe.
It’s time we got loud about the realities no one wants to face.
It’s time we stopped protecting predators with our silence.
And it’s time we stopped confusing a cry for help with consent.
Truth heals.
Silence protects predators.
Shame keeps us chained.
We break the cycle by naming it, facing it, and refusing to carry it any longer.
The Grooming Files 
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